My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSEDulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSEWhat do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSEA miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSEI know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSEWhen the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSEAlthough I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
BOB MONKHOUSEI’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
BOB MONKHOUSEWith my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSEI can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSEI came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSEI’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSEI was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSEWhere do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSEI got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSEMy wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSE