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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

Bob Monkhouse

I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny House Marriage Wife
I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSE

Knows Sinner Winner
My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Love Mother
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Mom Mother
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Clever Funny Smart
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Feet Funny Humor
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSE

College Funny Humor
Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Life
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Laughter Missing Nice
I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Phrases Saws Thinking
What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Retirement
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Wife
I got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Radio
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Clubs Home Real
I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Guarantee Humor
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Sex

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

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I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

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Popular Authors

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