“They must have some special kind of cereal!’ My mind was so warped by the idea of fame.”

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

I think controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it’s totally not, which is why I’m trying to get away from it because it’s just easy and automatic.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I’ve got a cousin who is 18… Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

You love the people that give you money and attention? Of course you do, that’s not selfless that you love your fans, that’s ridiculous.

I just think they aren’t true. I’m saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don’t know if I’m doing that, but I’m trying.

What’s that? My six song album entitled Bo Fo Sho is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I’ll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

Laughter is the best medicine, y’know, besides medicine.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

People have been talking about multiverses as a philosophical idea for a long time. But the current incarnations in physics

For all the years I’d spent talking about pictures, the truth was that I had no idea how to draw or what it felt like to do it. I

When you put off a task, you buy yourself time to engage in divergent thinking rather than foreclosing on one particular idea.

If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.

The unadmitted reason why traditional readers are hostile to e-books is that we still hold the superstitious idea that a book is like a soul, and that every soul should have its own body.

Alan Menken took me to his studio and we went through his trunks of songs and put together an album of stuff that people and stuff that people don’t know. I’m very proud with the way it came out.

The idea of it becomes a little freaky if you’re dealing with someone who has trouble differentiating between fantasy and reality, but that’s a concern no matter what kind of movie you’re dealing with.

Multitudes of words are neither an argument of clear ideas in the writer, nor a proper means of conveying clear notions to the reader.