“Whenever I go on a show with a comedian I just counter punch.”

My job is to watch the powerful. It’s a simple job description, watch powerful people and make sure they don’t hurt the folks.

I know the constitution in Oregon was passed in 1859. Free expression of opinion.

There is a point where political correctness becomes an acid that erodes freedom.

I’m not going to change. Why would I change? I don’t tweet like Donald Trump. I’m not on Facebook. I should amend that. I don’t attack people using tweets, and I don’t do the Facebook and I’m not going to – that’s not my job.

I feel more like I’m doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name.

American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.

There are people who don’t like women holding power.

I believe that inside many Americans lies certain uneasiness about capital punishment.

Do the atheists in Wisconsin realize they’re going to Hell? Did you ask them that?

Change is never a loss – it is change only.

To sum up, the position we took was that since we didn’t know the internal situation in Iraq nor Saddam Hussein, that our best bet was to take counsel from the people who did know him and who did deal with him.

If you’re thinking of debt, that’s what you’re going to attract.

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big.

I wanted to be a child actor so bad that every day I’d beg my parents if I could audition, but my mom said, ‘Not until you can drive yourself to auditions.’

He [Barak Obama]’s a guy from Chicago. He doesn’t know what the hell to do. He’s got a big pipe with a hole in it.

You know what’s really frightening? You (Jon Stewart) actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary, but it’s true. You’ve got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night and they can vote.

When you’re a young comedian the first thing you want to do is get a laugh.

You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.

Ever since I was a kid, I just loved those comedians on TV who would just have fun with the language.

All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that’s all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.