My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALLMy wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
BILL ENGVALL -
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
BILL ENGVALL -
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALL -
My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL -
When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
BILL ENGVALL -
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALL -
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
BILL ENGVALL







