When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALLI’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
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I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
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You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
BILL ENGVALL