• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.

Bill Engvall

Related Topics

GayHellSex

Popular Authors

Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

Prevoius| Next

More Bill Engvall Quotes

• 

  I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!

  BILL ENGVALL
  JacketNopeRepliedSideSign
• 

  Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.

  BILL ENGVALL
  GuttersHoneyLight
• 

  I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.

  BILL ENGVALL
  DayDrunkOnePower
• 

  Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

  BILL ENGVALL
  FunnyHumorMorning
• 

  God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.

  BILL ENGVALL
  DaughterGrowingMenUp
• 

  I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

  BILL ENGVALL
  ClassGuySkills
• 

  It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.

  BILL ENGVALL
  HouseMovingWife
• 

  Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’

  BILL ENGVALL
  DamageHundredNumberOneResponsible
• 

  A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

  BILL ENGVALL
  CondomRubberShape
• 

  I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.

  BILL ENGVALL
  FunnyKidsTeacher
• 

  Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

  BILL ENGVALL
  LadiesMenNewspaperTomorrow
• 

  If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

  BILL ENGVALL
  MotherPantsSchool
• 

  I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

  BILL ENGVALL
  ClassGodKidsMagnifyingMomStupid
• 

  I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

  BILL ENGVALL
  CarDoctorsOldSellWife
• 

  I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

  BILL ENGVALL
  BelieveHeartMen
• 

  I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

  BILL ENGVALL
  FunnyHateNothingStupid