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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Bill Engvall

I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Country Guy Sitting
I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Destiny Texas
I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Heart Men
So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
BILL ENGVALL

Catholics Communion Left Second
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
BILL ENGVALL

Mother Pants School
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
BILL ENGVALL

Buy Real Stuff Trying Wife
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL

Dad Looked Son Yesterday
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALL

Condom Rubber Shape
I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Jacket Nope Replied Side Sign
I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALL

Coffee Eating Funny Mistake
Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
BILL ENGVALL

Buddies Check Coming Ground Line Ride
I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
BILL ENGVALL

Change Guy Ladies Thinking Wife
I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL

Dork Fell Hunter Out Tree
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties…welcome to my world.
BILL ENGVALL

Repeating Stupid Ties Wife
It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
BILL ENGVALL

House Moving Wife

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

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Popular Authors

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