God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
BILL ENGVALLJust when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
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My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
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I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
BILL ENGVALL