The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALLI was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
BILL ENGVALL -
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
BILL ENGVALL -
I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL