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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

Bill Engvall

I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
BILL ENGVALL

Gay Hell Sex
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALL

Heaven Long Song
When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL

Audience Feelings Looks World
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
BILL ENGVALL

Safe Sharks Water
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL

Invention iPhone People
This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says “you like baseball?” I said, “Oh, man, I love baseball.” So he goes “Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he’d have been the greatest ball player ever?” Like I’m gonna argue with that logic.
BILL ENGVALL

Baseball Dog Funny Jesus Logic
You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL

Gives Mom Stupid Tell
I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn’t help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Jacket Nope Replied Side Sign
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Change Handling Shape Six Week
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL

Belief Life Pain Suck
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
BILL ENGVALL

Butter Peanut Sick Taste
The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Humans Instruction
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
BILL ENGVALL

Bridges Car Hands
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
BILL ENGVALL

Doors Home Rain Soaked
When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
BILL ENGVALL

Bus Doors Driver
I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Country Guy Sitting

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.

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Popular Authors

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