Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
BILL BURRI wasn’t the good looking guy, I wasn’t the hot chick, I wasn’t the fat guy, I didn’t have a catchphrase, I didn’t wear a silly hat. I was just trying to improve as a comedian.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
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I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates.
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As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names… ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?
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There is a very difficult period in a comedian’s career – it’s that window of time where you’re good enough to draw tickets but nobody knows you yet.
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Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
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Like when I finally got away from the east coast for a while, and I came back there was just this underlying anger that I never noticed before, because I was born there and just dropped right into it.
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I never wanted to spend a month away from my life. One time I was out on the road for three weeks in a row and I when I came back someone had broken into my apartment and the water had evaporated from the toilet.
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I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy – if they start to like you, they’ll get a project going and call you in.
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I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?
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I was certified to take x-rays, but you can’t just show up and start cleaning people’s teeth.
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When you say, “there’s no reason [to hit a woman]” that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, “there’s no reason,” you cut out the build-up and you’re just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don’t figure it out?
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My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.
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Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.
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I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.
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Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?
BILL BURR