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If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break.

Bill Burr

When I was coming up the DC Improv was considered the best Improv out there. It’s always been high quality stuff coming out of there.
BILL BURR

Coming Out Quality Stuff
I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.
BILL BURR

Lying Psycho Stage
I don’t think people know what hygienist means.
BILL BURR

Mean People Thinking
What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience.
BILL BURR

Experience Heart Liberal Show Worried
I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.
BILL BURR

Crowds Happened Tuesday
As a big music fan, England is an amazing place to go.
BILL BURR

Amazing Fans Places
I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.
BILL BURR

Miserable Misery Thinking
I’m trying to pay off my apartment so I have something tangible. I actually figured out if I paid off my place my reward would be that I would pay an extra four grand a year in taxes.
BILL BURR

Apartment Paid Something Taxes Trying
I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about.
BILL BURR

Laughing School Thinking
Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.
BILL BURR

Care Guy Home
My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.
BILL BURR

Half Mouths Running
I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?
BILL BURR

Dad Jealous Mom Women
Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
BILL BURR

Cold Destiny Hot Running
I wish they would teach it in schools: Give people the belief that they are going to do well. A lot of people are really talented and scared to follow their talent because you don’t know where it’s going.
BILL BURR

Giving People School
Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.
BILL BURR

Dave Shows Working
You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.
BILL BURR

Believe Comedian People

If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break.

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If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break.

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Popular Authors

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