The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
ALAN CORENAll I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
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Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic… being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated – south from Sweden in about 500 BC.
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Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a “Wirtschaftswunder,” which can be briefly translated as “The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.”
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
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I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
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Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
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Why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
ALAN COREN