“Im so sick of people treating Latinos like some homogenous group that all feel the same way about everything.”

We’re down in Mexico. It’s for a bachelor party, so we go into a Mexican strip club.

You grow up real quick, a half-Mexican in a sailor’s suit, because I’d be riding the streetcar to school everyday.

Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.

Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it’s also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there’s a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It’s like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.

If you want to be hip to the lingo, they’re not using the word dong up in the States.

Don’t bring your sand toys to the park. That’s another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I’m on the Vicodin and a little weed too – let’s face it – and I go in there, and my wife’s like.

I’m always alone. Sad face emoticon.

Stop throwing us all together like some sort of Puerto Ricaminican Tex-Mex buffet.

I go back with this woman down a murky hallway, and then without missing a beat – these ladies are all business – she goes.

The horrible truth is that I am lazy and I am going to write and do bits that just hand themselves to me.

I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.

Go ahead, take out your dong.’ ‘I’m not taking out my dong. And by the way, who uses the word dong?

Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!’ And I know what happens every single time.

I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.

Minding my own business, humming out a ‘Frere Jacques’ – and I realized that in any other town, this might be considered cute. But you know what it is in San Francisco? Sexy.

My primary responsibility is to be funny.

I take pride in my sports knowledge. I take pride in everything I do. It’s part of me.

They were not happy. For the sake of the film, they had to streamline everything.

If ‘everything happens for a reason,’ then every act of evil is ultimately God’s doing.

American long for a closed society in which everything can be bought, where laborers are either hidden away or dressed up as nonhumans, so as not to be disconcerting. This place is called Disney World.

So if everything goes off great, then it being a triple threat match will make it even more exciting instead of a singles match.

By GIVING to others, instead of GETTING, we can still find we have everything we need in Christ.

My playlists are massively varied. There’s never a theme throughout, it’s never like everything is based in funk or based in reggae or whatever.

I know everything because I know nothing.