Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!
AL FRANKENThe civil rights movement was very important in my house, and then Vietnam was very important ’cause there were two boys, so I came of age during a very heated political climate.
More Al Franken Quotes
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But God told me that He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won the popular vote and, God thought, the Electoral College. ‘That worked for everyone else,’ God said.
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I do have a self-censor; everybody does, or at least most who are not pathological do.
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Skepticism turns to cynicism, which leads to apathy and despair, which can cause sleeplessness, dry-mouth, and loss of sex drive?
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I can assure you, this is not about spying on the American people.
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When the president during the campaign said he was against nation building,
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Medicare was established to secure that promise.
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For 35 years I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren’t funny. Some of them weren’t appropriate. Some of them were downright offensive. I understand that.
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We need to start by having a conversation about climate change. It would be irresponsible to avoid the issue just because it’s uncomfortable to talk about.
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I wish I had spent more time at the office and less time in prison.
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If you use Facebook – as I do – Facebook in all likelihood has a unique digital file of your face, one that can be as accurate as a fingerprint and that can be used to identify you in a photo of a large crowd.
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I think that the default for collecting any kind of personal data should be opt-in consent.
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Veterans report that service dogs help break their isolation. People will often avert their eyes when they see a wounded veteran.
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Anybody who deliberately propagandizes with lies should be held up to scorn and ridicule.
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The Freedom of Information Act doesn’t apply to Silicon Valley. And you can’t impeach Google if it breaks its ‘Don’t be evil’ campaign pledge.
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People who have severe mental illness are in Hell. People who have lost a loved one are in Hell.
AL FRANKEN






