“I don’t want to tell people what they should think.”

The artist never really has any control over the impact of his work. If he starts thinking about the impact of his work, then he becomes a lesser artist.

I said we are Ghodratis and there’s nothing that Ghodratis like more than a bargain.

I mean, but obviously, in people’s eyes, it still – it can still link Islam to terrorism. I mean, why does it make a difference that they’re white?

Because to Americans, Chechnya might as well be a suburb of Narnia.

When you’re brown and Indian, you get offered a lot of doctor roles.

I’m not really a food connoisseur.

Re-colonizing it and sort of reverse-colonizing it to the point that today the national dish of Great Britain is Chicken Tikka Masala.

I thought [when I was 16] my days were just going to be spent hanging out on a beach and my girlfriend was going to be Miss Teen USA and my best friend will be a dolphin.

I know the Gospel according to Mark better than I know any sura in the Quran.

In America, you have this kind of individualism and in the West, essentially, you have this individualism – this idea of my own personal fulfillment.

You can get samosas in any pub in England today, pretty much. So, “Gunga Din” has come back.

I think that hijacks the spirituality and beauty that exists within Islam. I believe in allowing Islam to be seen in context and in its entirety and being judged on what it really is, not what you think it is.

Bradford specifically there were a lot of Pakistanis there. Even today it has a very large Pakistani population.It was something that I experienced

If people invited Muslims into their home every week by way of a TV show would go a long way to making people feel comfortable with Muslims and countering misconceptions about who we are. Plus, of course, that will make it easier for us to impose sharia law across America.

Samantha Bee said to me when I first started on the “Daily Show”, she was like no – there is no – the only way you’ll learn this job is by doing this job.

For anybody who’s ever been on the other end of, like, racial violence logic is not something that can be used.

Do I really have moves like Jagger? F**king A, no, I don’t. But I was going to tell everybody that I did and hoped they believed me.

Do I really have moves like Jagger? F**king A, no, I don’t. But I was going to tell everybody that I did and hoped they believed me.

My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.

I can’t remember all the times I’ve tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass

I know it really sounds cheesy, but I did feel a duty to try to tell the stories of people who couldn’t speak for themselves.

I always like to tell a story.

Husband, when you tell your wife to go for counseling alone (because you think going to see a counselor is a sign you have failed) is like having a car you love overheat and deciding it’s not manly to take it to the mechanic.

Listen to your cool, drunk uncle who tells you to lie. Those are the relationships that last.