I got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSEA tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
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What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
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When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
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Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSE