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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.

Bill Engvall

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALL

Coffee Eating Funny Mistake
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALL

Clouds Flying Needs
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
BILL ENGVALL

Companies Please Song Writing Xmas
I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL

Dork Fell Hunter Out Tree
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Change Handling Shape Six Week
Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
BILL ENGVALL

Causes Playing Talking
The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Humans Instruction
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
BILL ENGVALL

Safe Sharks Water
I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
BILL ENGVALL

Big Boobs Hello Home Nursing Really
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
BILL ENGVALL

Mother Pants School
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Uncles
I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
BILL ENGVALL

Doors Home Rain Soaked
I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Heart Men
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALL

Heaven Long Song
My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Friend Moving Pack Sign Stuff
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALL

Drunk Riding Stupid

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.

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I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.

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