Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
BILL BURRYou know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA. “Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the…”
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I am so pro-swine flu… I want it. We need a plague. It’s got to happen; don’t be afraid. It’s only going to kill the weak.
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London was like that too. It was that time of year when all the rich kids with the oil money have their cars shipped over.
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If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.
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What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience.
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I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
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It was right after 9/11 and I decided to walk around the grounds of the Pentagon, because I had never been there.
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I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
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Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the Native Americans – if any of that had been filmed like [Adolf] Hitler, we’d never live it down.
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I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
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I’m a standup comedian who gets to act. I’m never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I’m doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.
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I was certified to take x-rays, but you can’t just show up and start cleaning people’s teeth.
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If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.
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I do my podcast on Mondays for a specific reason. A lot of people go to work and don’t like their jobs. If you give people something to laugh about, it’s good.
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I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
BILL BURR