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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.

Bill Engvall

Related Topics

GayHellSex

Popular Authors

Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

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  If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

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  I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.

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  My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here’s your sign.

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  You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

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  Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’

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  The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

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  You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

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  I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.

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  Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

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  Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.

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  I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.

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  Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”

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  A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.

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  I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?

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  I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

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  I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

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  I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’

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  I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

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  The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.

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  I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.

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  You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you’d say “My Bad!”.

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  My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!

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  My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.

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  I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.

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