“You know you’re on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do.”

I used to play golf with a guy who cheated so badly that he once had a hole in one and wrote down zero on the scorecard.

The difference between a sand trap and water hazard is the difference between a car crash and an airplane crash. You have a chance of recovering from a car crash.

Nobody ever wins the National Open. Somebody loses it.

US President Gerald Ford’s golf was so bad we thought he was a ‘Hitman for the PGA!

One reason golf is such an exasperating game is that a thing we learned is so easily forgotten, and we find ourselves struggling year after year with faults we had discovered and corrected time and again.

I can play the game only one way. I must play every shot for all there is in it. I cannot play safe.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren’t penalized for being on grass.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.