“Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!”

I’ve been trying to watch my weight a bit, but when I come to Las Vegas, all bets are off. I get enough healthy food in L.A. where the food is the size of a quarter and costs $40 – when I’m in Vegas, I want a steak!

Dad had a music store, and he’d often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.

Whatever is happening in your life is what’s going on on stage. So if you’re angry in your life, then that’s going to be on stage. If you’re looking for the guy that’s just going to make you laugh for an hour and forget about, that’s me.

It’s going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesn’t know anything but what it’s seen on TV.

Maybe, who knows, I’ll hire myself a trainer and a fancy cook. In five years, maybe I’ll be an action hero. Then again, maybe I’ll just be this guy. Who knows? But the fun part is embracing the human side of that.

I’m always the last one to the party, man. But that’s okay. I got there.

I have been a big guy all my life, I am not going to lose a bunch of weight, because then you’re like that weird fat person that got skinny but still has a big head. I don’t want to do that. So I’m just trying.

You need a wisecracking buddy standing next to you? That’s the role for me. You got the guys who are knock-down, drag-out handsome. That’s what people want to see. Let that guy be the hero. But there’s always a role for the Everyman.

Look, you know, you can’t please everybody. I’m a stand-up comic. I know that. It doesn’t matter how funny you are and how well you do, there’s two people that are going to walk out of there hating you.

Yeah, I’ve done Jim Breuer’s radio show a couple times, and I heard from Larry the Cable Guy when I got ‘Mike & Molly,’ wishing me congratulations.

No one wants to see someone talk who takes themselves too seriously.

As a comic, I’ve heard gunshots while I’m trying to get to sleep. I’ve performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.

I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I’m doing the best I can.

Sometimes fantasies are better than life.

For who would live so petty and unblest That dare not tilt at something ere he die; Rather than, screened by safe majority, Preserve his little life to little end, And never raise a rebel cry!

This book gives the reader an insight into the sometimes absurd world of television sports. There is a 31st undeniable truth: Al Bernstein is a truly funny man.

Sometimes life isn’t about who you were or are, but it’s about who you are becoming.

But remember, boy, that a kind act can sometimes be as powerful as a sword.

Reading can usually do this for writers, but sometimes you also need to watch films, listen to music, go to an art museum, or see a play. Or just sit outside and soak up the sky.

I love reading about history. Sometimes, I feel I was born in the wrong era. There was more creativity in the air when people were still discovering new worlds.

Sometimes you may kill tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands with very primitive armaments.