“We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it.”

I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.

It is a peculiarity of man that he can only live by looking to the future.

Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He’s the coolest. I’ve never met The Rock though.

God didn’t make you a leader to respond to stuff all day. He made you a leader to move things forward.

It’s better to just plough ahead. And if I say something they don’t get, I just make fun of myself for assuming that everybody knows everything about where I live.

I’m one of those guys where you know, I’m 23 years into this and I love the road more than ever and rather than whittling down my schedule to just play the major cities.

People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you’re a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is “looking for”. Just say what you think is funny. .

ou’re in control of your brain. When your brain is sending you bad information or bad thoughts, you can decide to go to the gym, or write a new joke – or if you’re on the road, go to a ball game…

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.

I don’t mind either one [crowd that is more willing to interact or crowd that’s more ready to just watch]. Both of them are forms of listening to what I’m saying so I can’t ask for any more than that.

I’m a standup comedian who gets to act. I’m never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I’m doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.

I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.

Patrice O’Neal is the best comic I ever saw.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

[I’m] more German than Irish.

I can’t give up Golf, I’ve got too many sweaters.

And when I’m on the microphone you best to wear your sweater, Cause I’m cooler than a polar bear’s toenails, Oh hell, there he go again.

I’ve about decided that’s the main thing that separates happy people from the other people: the feeling that you’re a practical item, with a use, like a sweater or a socket wrench.