“Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.”

I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.

No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.

I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.

Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”

My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.

I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.

I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’

The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.

He knows all the golf lingo. You know? You hit your ball, he’s like “there’s a golf shot. That’s a golf shot.” Well of course it’s a golf shot; I just hit a golf ball. You don’t see Gretzky skating around going “there’s a hockey shot, that’s a hockey shot.”

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.

Natural gas is the future. It is here.

Getting into the Hall of Fame won’t change me. I’m still going to pass gas and pick my nose like I always do.

You think you’re going to Toledo but you’re actually going to Miami and you might not have enough gas so you might need to buy gas from someone who might take you out if you aren’t driving well

To be honest, there is a tourists’ trail; my family had a farm and a gas station, and you can go and see my birthplace, though where I lived is actually under a freeway now.

Got my Allman Brothers cassettes stacked up on the dash, got some Jack back in the trunk and a tank full of gas.

I suppose I would still prefer to sit under a tree with a picnic basket rather than under a gas pump, but signs and comic strips are interesting as subject matter.

Large areas of the Gulf have escaped being scraped by trawls, crushed by more than 40,000 miles of pipelines, or displaced by one of 50,000 oil and gas wells drilled since the middle of the 20th century. Some places have been deliberately protected.

Whether I’m at the gas station or I be at the store, I be there by myself. I be regular.