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My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA. “Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the…”

Bill Burr

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else’s success is not your failure.
BILL BURR

People Roots Surround Yourself
I consider Ric Flair to be one of the great comedic minds. But I never got to see him growing up because that was back when they still had territories.
BILL BURR

Growing Up Mind Territory
I don’t feel like it’s a wasted vote because I think it encourages more people like that to run. I vote for the candidates that aren’t bought and paid for like the Clintons.
BILL BURR

People Running Thinking
You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.
BILL BURR

Believe Comedian People
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn’t be funny, but to observe it, it’s hilarious.
BILL BURR

Favorite Happening Kind
I’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him.
BILL BURR

Everything Flunked High Minutes School Taught
I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
BILL BURR

Easy Saint Wife
Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.
BILL BURR

Care Guy Home
You’ll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There’s no risk when you go after a dream. There’s a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.
BILL BURR

Fantasizing Play Safe Sleep Tremendous
I am so pro-swine flu… I want it. We need a plague. It’s got to happen; don’t be afraid. It’s only going to kill the weak.
BILL BURR

Flu Needs Want
I’ve had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
BILL BURR

Great Gun Shooting Time
Once you do a joke and it works it’s only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.
BILL BURR

Barrels Long Shooting
I was certified to take x-rays, but you can’t just show up and start cleaning people’s teeth.
BILL BURR

People Rays Teeth
I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.
BILL BURR

Miserable Misery Thinking
If this goes into sweatshop labor, I’m quitting this podcast.
BILL BURR

Labor Quitting Sweatshops
I love making movies, and being in any that I can be in. I’d like to be in those giant movies, as the fifth or sixth lead, and have three or four killer scenes. You don’t have the responsibility of the entire movie being on you. I like those roles. I’m shooting for the middle.
BILL BURR

Responsibility Roles Shooting

My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA. “Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the…”

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My neighbor’s not even listening to me. He’s all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He’s convinced it was designed by NASA. “Actually, it’s got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the…”

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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