“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.”

When you get past fifty, you have to decide whether to keep your face or your figure. I kept my face.

Every man has been brought up with the idea that decent women don’t pop in and out of bed; he has always been told by his mother that “nice girls don’t.” He finds, of course, when he gets older that this may be untrue-but only in a certain section of society.

The right diet directs sexual energy into the parts that matter.

A historical romance is the only kind of book where chastity really counts.

I’ll keep going till my face falls off.

Every woman dreams of love. When she is young she prays she will find it. When she is middle aged she hopes for it and when she is old she remembers it.

You become what you think. You are what you eat.

I always wear boot polish on my eyelashes, because I am a very emotional person and it doesn’t run when I cry.

Good must triumph over evil. It usually does in life and in any case it’s bad for young people to believe it doesn’t.

To sleep around is absolutely wrong for a woman; it’s degrading and it completely ruins her personality. Sooner or later it will destroy all that is feminine and beautiful and idealistic in her.

The reason why Englishmen are the best husbands in the world is because they want to be faithful. A Frenchman or an Italian will wake up in the morning and wonder what girl he will meet. An Englishman wakes up and wonders what the cricket score is.

As long as the plots keep arriving from outer space, I’ll go on with my virgins.

A woman should say: ‘Have I made him happy? Is he satisfied? Does he love me more than he loved me before? Is he likely to go to bed with another woman?’ If he does, then it’s the wife’s fault because she is not trying to make him happy.

My heroines are always virgins. They never go to bed without a ring on their fingers; not until page 118 at least.

A man will teach his wife what is needed to arouse his desires. And there is no reason for a woman to know any more than what her husband is prepared to teach her. If she gets married knowing far too much about what she wants and doesn’t want then she will be ready to find fault with her husband.

I consider myself an expert on love, sex and health. Without health you can have very little of the other two.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?

It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.

I am neither Christian enough nor charitable enough to like anybody just because he is alive and breathing. I want people to interest or amuse me. I want them fascinating and witty or so dul as to be different.

The coffee is prepared in such a way that it makes those who drink it witty: at least there is not a single soul who, on quitting the house, does not believe himself four times wittier that when he entered it.

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.