“The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you’re rich.”

The beauty of democracy is that an average, random, unremarkable citizen can lead it.

Once you’ve built the big machinery of political power, remember you won’t always be the one to run it.

A humorist doesn’t really do that much note-taking.

Stupid is a great force in human affairs.

By the end of the 1950s, American cars were so reliable that their reliability went without saying even in car ads. Thousands of them bear testimony to this today, still running on the roads of Cuba though fueled with nationalized Venezuelan gasoline and maintained with spit and haywire.

My dad died when I was young; my mom remarried with more haste than sense to a fellow… he wasn’t evil or anything, but he was worthless.

Politics is a necessary evil, or a necessary annoyance, a necessary conundrum.

Richard Nixon was the best thing that ever happened to journalism. I mean this guy was wonderful. Just when you thought he could get no worse, he got worse.

I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I’m not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses.

Some people have facts; these can be proven. Some people have theories; these can be disproven. But people with opinions are mindless and have their minds made up about it.

The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.

People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.

Woodstock had a tremendous impact on American artistic life.

People are not ants or bees. We do not reason or love or live or die collectively.

Think what evil creeps liberals would be if their plans to enfeeble the individual, exhaust the economy, impede the rule of law, and cripple national defense were guided by a coherent ideology instead of smug ignorance.

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.

You will witness all kinds of scenes and actors, all kinds of temptations and stories, everything imaginable.

The tears loosen their memories so they can slide away. They cry at the life they have lost, and then they cry at everything they’ll forget.

The deadly weapon against totalitarian society is openness – doing everything very openly on the Internet, letting people know every detail, any little development. Once it is out there, everybody can make their own judgement.

If we experienced life through the eyes of a child, everything would be magical and extraordinary.

In Iran, where everything is covert, we have no firsthand information.

We have the Internet of Everything but not the inclusion of everyone.

Do everything with a mind that lets go. Do not expect praise or reward.

The secret of life is… everything is out of control.