Ending wars is very simple if you surrender.
P. J. O'ROURKEHumans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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The world is being run by irresponsible spoiled brats.
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Liberals are always proposing perfectly insane ideas, laws that will make everybody happy, laws that will make everything right, make us live forever, and all be rich. Conservatives are never that stupid.
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Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
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I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I’m not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses.
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There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
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If you think health care is expensive now, just wait ’til it’s free.
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Wealth is not a pizza, where if I have too many slices you have to eat the Domino’s box.
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Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
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People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.
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If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked.
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Barack Obama is more irritating than the other nuisances on the Left.
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I don’t even know which end of a computer one is supposed to gaze into. I’ve never used a computer.
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The perpetuation of slavery, the exile and extermination of American Indians, and the passage of Jim Crow laws weren’t carried out at the bidding of a few malefactors of great wealth.
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The people who despise America are the editors of the ‘New Statesman.’ Their green-card applications must have been turned down.
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Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.
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Why do elites hate the poor? It’s xenophobia. They don’t know any poor people – except their off-the-books Brazilian nanny and illegal immigrant cleaning lady from Upper Revolta who don’t speak English.
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There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
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The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you’re rich.
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
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There is only one thing that gives me hope as a Republican, and that is the Democrats. It’s going to be hard to do a worse job running American than the Republicans have, but if anybody can do it, it’s the Democrats.
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The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.
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Think what evil creeps liberals would be if their plans to enfeeble the individual, exhaust the economy, impede the rule of law, and cripple national defense were guided by a coherent ideology instead of smug ignorance.
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Russians not only vehemently despise blacks, they believe Africa begins at the Ukraine border.
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The Communist bloc of old was a study in the failure of failure. Losers in the Soviet economy were the people at the end of the long lines for consumer goods. Worse losers were the people who had spent hours getting to the head of the line, only to be told that the goods were unavailable.
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If you ask the government to solve all of your problems, it’s a bit like asking your wife to cook and clean, to raise the children, to hold down a second job to help with the family finances, to keep her parents happy and well and keep your parents happy and well, and to also – to do the lawn and clean the gutters.
P. J. O'ROURKE