“If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”

As a former writer for the ‘National Lampoon,’ I’ve probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live.

Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God’s infinite mercy, a last resort.

The idea of a stag hunt evokes chivalry – knights in jerkins and hose, ladies on sidesaddles with wimples and billowing dresses, a white stag symbolizing something-or-other, and Robin Hood getting in the way. An actual stag hunt is more like a horseback meeting of a county planning commission.

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

The Afghans themselves say that if you put two Afghans in a room, you get three factions.

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

Politics is the attempt to achieve power and prestige without merit.

I believe in God. God created the world.

The problem with public school is not overcrowding in the classroom. The problem is not teacher unions. The problem is not underfunding or lack of computer equipment. The problem is your damn kids.

We will win an election when all the seats in the House and Senate and the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office and the whole bench of the Supreme Court are filled with people who wish they weren’t there.

When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he’s saving a parking place.

Head lice have their own animal-rights group, or may as well. The National Pediculosis Association doesn’t exactly advocate letting lice live with dignity, but it does oppose pediculicidal treatments.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

Nobody is making Americans buy Chinese goods.

Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye.

The budget doesn’t have much control over the government. Then again, the government doesn’t have much control over the budget.

The only things I like are either illegal or they make me fat.

I felt grand juries were illegal and coercive.

Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behaviour and information processing. They open you up to the possibility that everything you know is wrong.

One thing is very clear: Illegal immigrants are not entitled to benefits.

If Donald Trump builds the wall the way he builds Trump Towers, he’ll be using illegal immigrant labor to do it.

Joe Biden is rewarding human traffickers and coyotes who smuggle illegal aliens across the border.

When enacted into law, the ‘Protect America First Act’ will end the flood of illegal border crossings unleashed during the first 50 days of the Biden administration.

Illegal aliens knew President Joe Biden would open our southern border wide open.