“My credibility is zero. My wife claims she can go before any judge at any time and have me committed.”

A woman in Santa Barbara, California, sent a $40,000 check. I fondled it for about five minutes and then sent it back. I told her I couldn’t accept money from strangers.

I look at the newspapers, and I cannot believe most of the stories I read. Bernie Madoff, who actually screwed millions of people for billions of dollars.

It’s just unbelievable what he got away with and how long it took for him to be exposed. A guy like that should be hanged.

I once recommended [in a San Francisco Chronicle column] that a third arm – a plastic arm – be sewn at the base of the spine so that people could have a tripod to sit on while waiting in line, and it was taken seriously.

Even with clothing naked animals, there were people who wanted to send in money.

We’re a nation of sheep. If you go out and look up at the sky, people around you will start looking up at the sky.