“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

Political tags – such as royalist, communist, democrat, populist, fascist, liberal, conservative, and so forth – are never basic criteria.

I never learned from a man who agreed with me.

Don’t handicap your children by making their lives easy.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

I am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.

Don’t ever become a pessimist… a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun, and neither can stop the march of events.

For me, politeness is a sine qua non of civilization.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors… and miss.

Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

By cultivating the beautiful we scatter the seeds of heavenly flowers, as by doing good we cultivate those that belong to humanity.

One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others.

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.

Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable.

Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.

I don’t see how an article of clothing can be indecent. A person, yes.

Never complain and never explain.

I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would have turned pro at 17.

I’ve always been a quick putter, so I should never get the yips. But I got ’em. I got ’em bad.

I’m not a one-man show. I was never that in my life, and I never want to be that.

I would never do a commercial if I thought it was offensive to anyone.

If you have never had success, then nobody knows how it is, but in Liverpool, everybody knows how it was.

We shall never resolve the enigma of the relation between the negative foundations of greatness and that greatness itself.

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.