Alan Bennett Quotes

History is a commentary on the various and continuing incapabilities of men. What is history? History is women following behind with the bucket.

To play Trivial Pursuit with a life like mine could be said to be a form of homeopathy.

Standards are always out of date. That’s what makes them standards.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

I’m not “happy” but I’m not unhappy about it.

I’m not good at precise, coherent argument. But plays are suited to incoherent argument, put into the mouths of fallible people.

I turned down a knighthood. It would be like having to wear a suit every day of your life.

Because you should realise the Cenotaph and the Last Post and all that stuff is concerned, there’s no better way of forgetting something than by commemorating it.

At the drabber moments of my life (swilling some excrement from the steps, for instance, or rooting with a bent coat-hanger down a blocked sink) thoughts occur like.

Life is like a box of sardines and we are all looking for the key.