“I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People’s Choice Awards.”

I’ve been burned so many times I’m like the human equivalent of the inside of a roasted marshmallow.

I want you to know, John, that you are the most important thing in this world to me.

I was perfectly fine not trusting people, not trusting people is what I’m used to

Social media is an amusement park for clinical narcissists.

Did I used to have a drinking problem?

Never let the bastards get you down!

Are we terrible parents?

If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, it’s that a mother puts her own mask on first.

One must champion oneself and say, I am ready for this!

If that’s not a cause for alcohol, I don’t know what is!

When one of us shines, all of us shine.

Let’s all pray we don’t wake up!

I won’t wear anything with an adhesive backing.

As much as I would love to contribute to the population growth of this town by way of teen pregnancies I must decline.

The world is falling apart around us and I’m dying inside.

Gossip is the devil’s telephone. Best to just hang up.