“I love writing songs. I’m a songwriter.”

No, no, the songs write themselves, almost.

All short women have a delayed fuse. Marry a taller woman: My wife was an inch or two taller than me; it’s a sign of security.

I loved Westerns as a little kid, and I loved horror films.

If Shaw and Einstein couldn’t beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none.

If you stand on a soapbox and trade rhetoric with a dictator you never win.

When you come to Germany as a Jew you have an uneasy feeling, but I’ve always felt okay in Berlin.

Dom DeLuise was a big man in every way. He was big in size and created big laughter and joy.

I’m still a horse that can run. I may not be able to win the Derby, but what do you do when you retire? People retire and they vegetate. They go away and they dry up.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

You’re always a little disappointing in person because you can’t be the edited essence of yourself.

You’ve got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you’re not alive.

Oh, I’m not a true genius. I’m a near genius. I would say I’m a short genius. I’d rather be tall and normal than a short genius.

Look, I don’t want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you’re alive you’ve got to flap your arms and legs.

But I have bad taste with a deep fount of intellectuality.

My job is to go out and entertain the most people possible.