“Acting is the perfect idiot’s profession.”

I don’t care WHAT the say about me, as long as it’s not the truth.

You can say or write anything about me you like. Just don’t, for any reason, ever tell the truth.

I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun.

I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be the inferior sex.

Cold sober, I find myself absolutely fascinating.

It would be a terrific innovation if you could get your mind to stretch a little further than the next wisecrack.

Don’t moan, don’t whine, don’t blame. Just get on with it.

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

Trying to be fascinating is an asinine position to be in.

Loved people are loving people.

Life can be wildly tragic at times, and I’ve had my share. But whatever happens to you, you have to keep a slightly comic attitude. In the final analysis, you have got not to forget to laugh.

I don’t believe in marriage. It’s bloody impractical. ‘To love, honor, and obey.’ If it weren’t, you wouldn’t have to sign a contract.

He’s worked his entire life and he’s never lived a single moment, I mean not a moment, in the real world.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

You can’t change the music of your soul.

Only idiots refuse to change their minds.

What a terrible era in which idiots govern the blind.

There is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America.

Someone needs to take my phone when i’m drunk because I am a fucking idiot.

Almost everybody is born a genius and buried an idiot.

I try to invest in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will.

If chasing cool is important to you, you’re an idiot!

I didn’t need you, you idiot. I picked you. And then you picked me back.