Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
JERRY SEINFELDThe Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
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Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
JERRY SEINFELD