I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
JERRY SEINFELDThe Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
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The best revenge is living well.
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Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
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You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
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When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
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I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
JERRY SEINFELD