“All Moanday, Tearday, Wailsday, Thumpsday, Frightday, Shatterday.”

And yet her name was like a summons to all my foolish blood.

Time is, time was, but time shall be no more.

Life is too short to read a bad book.

Children must be educated by love, not punishment.

Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!

To learn one must be humble. But life is the great teacher.

People could put up with being bitten by a wolf but what properly riled them was a bite from a sheep.

Every life is in many days, day after day. We walk through ourselves, meeting robbers, ghosts, giants, old men, young men, wives, widows, brothers-in-love. But always meeting ourselves.

The light music of whiskey falling into glasses made an agreeable interlude.

Hold to the now, the here, through which all future plunges to the past.

Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother’s love is not.

In the particular is contained the universal.

We are bound together by the sympathy of our antipathies.

A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.

Think you’re escaping and run into yourself. Longest way round is the shortest way home.

History, Stephen said, is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake.

Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we’ve already wasted fifteen minutes.

One day ladies will take their computers for walks in the park and tell each other, “My little computer said such a funny thing this morning”.

Here’s my most funniest joke, I’m broke.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes.

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm. There’s nothing to do but to stand there and take it.

If your thighs touch, don’t be scared. They are just kissing; it’s a love affair.

You see much more of your children once they leave home.