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People give me such a hard time because I don’t wear dresses. What’s that got to do with anything?

Ellen DeGeneres

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, ‘I have a problem with procrastination, too.’ I said ‘Really?… Get my sandwich.’
ELLEN DEGENERES

Lunch Procrastination Talking
You just have to keep driving down the road. It’s going to bend and curve and you’ll speed up and slow down, but the road keeps going.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Curves Down Driving Road Speed
One rough patch is not the big picture.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Patch Picture Rough
For some reason, we can’t just enjoy somebody else’s success. Somehow, that’s going to affect us. If they have more, then I have less – and I don’t know why.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Enjoy Knowsm Sometimes Reason
I wanted to have money; I wanted to be special; I wanted people to like me; I wanted to be famous.
ELLEN DEGENERES

People Special Wanted
I didn’t go to college at all, any college, and I’m not saying you wasted your time or money, but look at me, I’m a huge celebrity.
ELLEN DEGENERES

College Funny Humor
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren’t any space aliens. We can’t be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we’re not all there is. If so, we’re in big trouble.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Funny Humor Ideas
I never see the glass half empty because I drink out the bottle
ELLEN DEGENERES

Bottles Glasses Half
What goes up must come down, which is why I don’t wear tube tops.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Come Down Tops Tubes
I don’t want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: “That’s a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Baby Cute Funny
I don’t need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I’m going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Baby Funny Humor
I was raised in an atmosphere of ‘everything’s fine.’ But as I got older, I was like, ‘Well no, everything’s not fine. There is stuff that’s sad.’ I am a really sensitive person. I think I am too sensitive sometimes.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Atmosphere Person Sensitive Thinking
I get to do stand-up every single day. I love that live energy exchange between the audience and myself, and to get to say the things I want to say and comment on.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Comment Energy Want
I’m a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Lesbian People Vegetarian
I’m glad I’m funny. I’m glad I make people happy, because that’s very important. But I’m proud to be known as a kind person.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Compassion Kindness People
So be who you really are. Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.
ELLEN DEGENERES

Hug Killers Serial Killer

People give me such a hard time because I don’t wear dresses. What’s that got to do with anything?

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People give me such a hard time because I don’t wear dresses. What’s that got to do with anything?

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