“I bring up God alot in my show, know why? Because I miss him.”

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!

That’s why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you’ve learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.

Who is more irrational, the guy who believes in a God he can’t see, or a guy who’s offended by a God he doesn’t believe in?

It’s about something that strikes you as funny but I do it with a Christian world view: why we think the way we do based on God’s plan. I lift up my God and my country and I resist political correctness.

If God is a crutch, then atheism is a coma.

If the truth conflicts with my beliefs, I change my beliefs.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, You offended me then you say I don’t care! If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!

I’ve been in eleven no-hitters you know.

We are at war with men, and most women don’t even know it.

He who knows what God is, studies to avoid sin.

If you don’t know your own value, somebody will tell you your value, and it’ll be less than you’re worth.

The Universe knows what it’s doing. So don’t develop a big ego, and don’t be afraid.

Science knows only one commandment – contribute to science.

You are thirst and thirst is all I know

All men are Jews, though few men know it.