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I saw the head of NOW – National Organization of Women – saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.

Bonnie McFarlane

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  Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift.

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  My sister might be dumb, but that doesn’t make her all that different from the rest of us. She’s just like any other American. Except she’s Canadian. And retarded.

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  I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.

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  There’s no such thing as a feminist – just women who pay for their own breast implants.

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  I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.

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  Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn’t have running water for a long time and we didn’t have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.

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  My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She’s a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard.

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  I think it’s creepy if a guy says, I would never hit a girl. Cause that should go without saying. That’s like if you ever heard a guy go, I would never crap in a hot tub.

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  I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. There’s no God! There might be!

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  You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman.

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  What… is she, retarded? And then you have to go, Uh… yeah, she is. Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.

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  When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I’m a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.

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  I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs.

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• 

  I saw the head of NOW – National Organization of Women – saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.

  BONNIE MCFARLANE
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