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When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I’m a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.

Bonnie McFarlane

When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I’m a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Doing First Imagine Really
I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was I should cut my bangs.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Cutting Guy Thinking
I grew up in a mixed religious household. And it was volatile. My dad’s atheist, my mom’s agnostic. Just constant fighting. There’s no God! There might be!
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Atheist Mom Religious
I think it’s creepy if a guy says, I would never hit a girl. Cause that should go without saying. That’s like if you ever heard a guy go, I would never crap in a hot tub.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Girl Guy Thinking
You know, women are burdened with all this other crap all the time, like looking good. You need to be really superhuman to be successful as a woman.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Good Looking Needs Successful
I saw the head of NOW – National Organization of Women – saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Believe Math Men
My sister might be dumb, but that doesn’t make her all that different from the rest of us. She’s just like any other American. Except she’s Canadian. And retarded.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Different Dumb might
I could never be a lesbian because I have a really good sense of humor.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Good Humor Lesbian Sense
My sister is also retarded. Across the board. She’s a one hundred per cent, honest to goodness, born that way retard.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Awkward Long Silence
There’s no such thing as a feminist – just women who pay for their own breast implants.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Breasts Feminist Pay
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Event Giving Important
What… is she, retarded? And then you have to go, Uh… yeah, she is. Followed by a lengthy, awkward silence.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Awkward Retarded Silence
I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Always been very creative. I always laughed at things that the rest of my family would sort of get angry, like not understand.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Creative Family Wanted
Well I grew up in Canada in a really small town. We didn’t have running water for a long time and we didn’t have TV. Then when we did get TV we only had one channel.
BONNIE MCFARLANE

Long Running Water

When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I’m a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.

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When I first started doing stand-up, I would be so nervous that I would just binge drink really heavily right before my sets, and as you can imagine, that had its drawbacks. But now I’m a professional, so I pace myself throughout the day.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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