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Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

Bob Monkhouse

I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Guarantee Humor
Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Life
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Homeless Humor
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Home Humor
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Father Funny Humor
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Feet Funny Humor
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Wife
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Marriage Investment Pay
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Clubs Home Real
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Cat Funny Humor
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Sex Wife Years
What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Retirement
My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Love Mother
I got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Radio
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Mom Mother
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Sex

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

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Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

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Popular Authors

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