God, she’s growing up, and I don’t know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths.
BILL ENGVALLI shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL -
I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL -
I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
BILL ENGVALL -
I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL






