Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALLI called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin’ a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here’s your sign.
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I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL








