We need a plague. It’s gotta happen. And don’t worry, it’s only gonna kill the weak. Seriously. Put on a sweater, take some vitamins, you’re gonna be fine! We gotta let mother nature do her thing, man. She keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it.
BILL BURRI’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.
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It’s just if one person says anything it becomes click bait and then they start talking about the comedy climate which is hilarious, so no.
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I’m trying to pay off my apartment so I have something tangible. I actually figured out if I paid off my place my reward would be that I would pay an extra four grand a year in taxes.
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You’re a kid, your whole life is awesome. It’s awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren’t scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult.
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There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.
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A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”
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I gotta be honest with you. Im kind of jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes. Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on? When did they stop making those angels?
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I’ve had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
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I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.
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I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.
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Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
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I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
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You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.
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When you say, “there’s no reason [to hit a woman]” that kills any examination as to how two people ended up at that place. When you say, “there’s no reason,” you cut out the build-up and you’re just left with the act. How you gonna solve it if you don’t figure it out?
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Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.
BILL BURR






