I was a feature one time and they gave me host money. When I called to complain the guy goes “no you didn’t feature, you co-hosted”. He literally invented a term so he didn’t have to pay me. And obviously that check bounced!
BILL BURROnly an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
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Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
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Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
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So many people there are in politics that they’re overly cautious about laughing at stuff. They’re so damned concerned about what everyone else is thinking.
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I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
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Working on the Dave Chappelle show was amazing.
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There’s no “brothers” when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. He’s not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio – I don’t know that guy.
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Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.
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Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.
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I was in NYC during 9/11; it happened on a Tuesday, I was on stage Thursday. It was a small crowd, but it took about 10 days and comedy clubs were packed.
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I think I know how to raise a kid. You just play catch with ’em. You just talk about life, and you distract them by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice that you’re filling up their heads with your theories.
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Michael Price is the showrunner so nobody works harder than him.
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If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene.
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I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
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There’s a big thing right now with people using stand-up as a scapegoat. People think comedians have the power to change someone in an hour. If we had that ability, the art would not be legal. It would too dangerous.
BILL BURR







