Television is more interesting than people. If it were not we should have people standing in the corner of our room.
ALAN CORENSince both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
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10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
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Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
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English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
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Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
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Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
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Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
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Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
ALAN COREN