Inside this hothouse, huge lascivious orchids slide sensuously up the sweating windows, passion-flowers cross-pollinate in wild heliotrope abandon, lotuses writhe with poppies in the sweet warm beds.
ALAN CORENSince both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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Disneyworld… is a historical reconstruction as sanitised as the Kremlin’s, and a future vision as uncognisant of contemporary pointers as Peter Pan’s.
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Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what you think it is you want to hear.
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Why they emigrated is not exactly clear, but many scholars believe it was because they saw the way Sweden was going, i.e. neutral.
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There are many mysteries in old age but the greatest, surely, is this: in those adverts for walk-in bathtubs, why doesn’t all the water gush out when you get in?
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A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
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The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
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To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
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Since both its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solely in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by.
ALAN COREN -
Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
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It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
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But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.
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10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
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Enjoy your life today because yesterday had gone and tomorrow may never come.
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Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
ALAN COREN