“Your lost friends are not dead, but gone before, advanced a stage or two upon that road which you must travel in the steps they trod.”

Today things are better than yesterday.

Ye Children of Man! whose life is a span, Protracted with sorrow from day to day, Naked and featherless, feeble and querulous, Sickly, calamitous creatures of clay!

Wealth–the most excellent of all gods.

Women, you overheated dipsomaniacs, never passing up a chance to wangle a drink, a great boon to bartenders but a bane to us–not to mention our crockery and our woolens!

When men drink, then they are rich and successful and win lawsuits and are happy and help their friends. Quickly, bring me a beaker of wine, so that I may wet my mind and say something clever.

You cannot make a crab walk straight.

To win the people, always cook them some savoury that pleases them.

When men drink wine they are rich, they are busy, they push lawsuits, they are happy, they are friends.

Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much!

A fox is subtlety itself.

There is no honest man! not one, that can resist the attraction of gold!

A man’s homeland is wherever he prospers.

Have you ever, looking up, seen a cloud like to a Centaur, a Part, or a Wolf, or a Bull?

It is bad taste for a poet to be coarse and hairy.

You vote yourselves salaries out of the public funds and care only for your own personal interests; hence the state limps along.

These impossible women! How they do get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them!

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

As they are currently practiced, there is no common ground between science and religion… Although just as in hostage negotiations, it’s probably best to keep both sides talking to each other.

I’m a juvenile product of the working class, who’s best friend floats in the bottom of a glass.

Marriage functions best when both partners remain somewhat unmarried.

Now I am an outcast. I loathe my country. The best thing for me is a drunken sleep on the beach.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.

We live in the best of all possible worlds.

Aspire, break bounds. Endeavor to be good, and better still, best.