See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
JERRY SEINFELDSomebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
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Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
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There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
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Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
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Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
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The best revenge is living well.
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
JERRY SEINFELD