Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.
JERRY SEINFELDI am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
More Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
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I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.
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The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
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Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.
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Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
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I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.
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Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
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Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
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There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
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Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
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What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
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There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.
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When you’ve been in the business 5-years, as a person, it’s like you’re 5-years old – like a child. 10-years and you’re 10-years old, 20… Etcetera. That’s how I measure maturity in this industry.
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I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
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Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
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You know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
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I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
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Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
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The best revenge is living well.
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That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.
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See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
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I was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
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[I like to] engage with funny people, or weird people, or, you know, kind of off people. [Whereas when I meet] anybody who’s … normal … I’m not curious, I’m not interested.
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If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
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This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
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Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
JERRY SEINFELD