In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
BILL ENGVALLYesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass?
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Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
BILL ENGVALL