“Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.”

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

We certainly put the ‘in sickness and in health’ vow to the test the last year and half.

I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.

Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”

Remember: Greed is a bad color on a person.

I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.

So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.

So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.

I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I’m superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here’s your sign!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

My mum and dad had worked incredibly hard to afford me an education.

My dad’s from there, and I have relatives there, but I don’t think I’ve been to Chicago since I was like 9.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick–‘You hate this country’….I have to tell him…I just hate being lied to.

Although my Dad was a talented calligrapher and both of my younger brothers were successful, I was the first one in my family to graduate from high school.

My dad always took to his heels when a nappy change was necessary. I am so much looking forward to our child. It is such a wonderfully exciting time right now.

When [my dad] was at the University of Michigan, my mom was a social-worker. As he rose, he voted for [Adlai] Stevenson initially. Then he voted for [Dwight] Eisenhower. Then he kept voting Republican until he voted for Barack Obama.