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I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

Bill Burr

London was like that too. It was that time of year when all the rich kids with the oil money have their cars shipped over.
BILL BURR

Beautiful Country Jobs
Some guy workin’ at Home Depot, he wants to f-k just as many women as a celebrity. But he can’t do it, because whores don’t care about lumber.
BILL BURR

Care Guy Home
I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy – if they start to like you, they’ll get a project going and call you in.
BILL BURR

Fans People Thinking
I am so pro-swine flu it’s – it’s like ridiculous.
BILL BURR

Flu Ridiculous Swine
I’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him.
BILL BURR

Everything Flunked High Minutes School Taught
If you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you’re from and some of the thought processes.
BILL BURR

Chance Country East
People should be happy to see you when you show up to a club because you’re a good person. And stop caring about what the industry is “looking for”. Just say what you think is funny. .
BILL BURR

Caring People Thinking
I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about.
BILL BURR

Laughing School Thinking
Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.
BILL BURR

People Shows Stones Television
Business runs hot and cold so the more you’re in charge of your own destiny, the better off you are.
BILL BURR

Cold Destiny Hot Running
Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.
BILL BURR

Comedian Scary Sometimes
Any other town you go to there’s this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder.
BILL BURR

Angel Funny Vegas
To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I’m just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.
BILL BURR

Again Funny Opinion Talking Yelling
Ric Flair is the greatest guy ever. He just wants to hang out, have a beer, and tell stories. He’s the coolest. I’ve never met The Rock though.
BILL BURR

Beer Guy Rocks
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
BILL BURR

Childhood Funny Running
Oh look, an ATM! Ok, here we go! I lost all my money, now what do I do? Get a gun! Rob a casino! Good idea! Look at all the lights! This is beautiful.
BILL BURR

Beautiful Gun Light

I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

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I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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