“The upside to grief is it takes away your appetite. When people say you look good they really mean it. Nature’s thoughtful that way.”

My senior year of high school, I was voted Wittiest. So, several years later, I decided to try my hand at writing humor to see if I could be witty enough to make some money.

A little glitter can turn your whole day around.

A stick or a stone only stings for a minute. A name seems to hurt forever.

I don’t really believe in pretending to be happy when you’re not. Mostly I believe that you should burden your friends with your problems.

I’m not actually sure I’m grown-up enough for grown-up books.

Even though sometimes you can control your anger, you can’t control your sadness.

I don’t even like clowns. Clowns are not normal people.

Sometimes grown ups don’t act their right old age

Can’t we be friends?’ I hate your guts, Frankovitch’ Can’t our guts be friends?

Society just has a way of inhibiting you, which is good and bad.

I happen to think that a book is of extraordinary value if it gives the reader nothing more than a smile or two. It’s perfectly okay to take a book, read it, have a good time, giggle and laugh – and turn off the TV. I love that.

When you’re in between dreams, you get to lean back and relax and stop trying so hard. Trying to be somebody, I mean. It’s not as exciting as being a television star, but it’s not that bad, either. You just have to learn to be satisfied with the way you are for a while. Not Forever. Just until you’re finished resting.

Our nannas are losers.

I’m so lazy as far as liking to get up, go to the office in my pajamas, get dressed about noon. And I hate flying. So I have this really laid-back, good lifestyle, and it’s hard to nudge me out of it.

I was a good kid, but I was just very chatty. Teachers were rarely entertained, but occasionally a child was, which was enough for me. Everything was so urgent. I needed to say it immediately.

Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except, I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

Using another as a means of satisfaction and security is not love. Love is never security; love is a state in which there is no desire to be secure; it is a state of vulnerability.

Brazil goes into every World Cup expecting to win – so when it is in Brazil it is expected even more. You can’t understand what the World Cup means to our country.

The British Labour movement is today, and for many years has been, working in a narrow circle of strikes that are looked upon, not as an expedient, and not as a means of propaganda, but as an ultimate aim.

Empowering means helping teams develop their skills and knowledge and supporting them to use their talents.

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

The sterilization of men is one method of birth control. The surest, most radical method. To you it seems dreadful. To me it seems that, properly applied, it’s by no means dreadful.

Politics is not an end, but a means. It is not a product, but a process. It is the art of government.

I didn’t mean to hit the umpire with the dirt, but I did mean to hit that bastard in the stands.